When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
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So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
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If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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