I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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