Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
