Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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