i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
