I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
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he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
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More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.