okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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