I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
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he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
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Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.