he thought i was a dude.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
