I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
