Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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