the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
