The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
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I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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