Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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