Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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