Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
