Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
