I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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