Someone shit on the floor
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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