nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
