Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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