so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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