He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
