The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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