Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
