even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
