I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
