Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
In America we eat man semen.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
