shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
