I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
