i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
