Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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