Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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