I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
