I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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