I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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