we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
