I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
40s are totally the cure
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
