I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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