if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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