apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
