I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
