If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
