My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
