I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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