Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I look excited, but its just a facade.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
