Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize