i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
