OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
