there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
