i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
