Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
