Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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