I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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