Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We have started to decorate penises.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
