He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
