Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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