I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
