eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
