Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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