Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I faked an abortion last night.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
