FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
