I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
