wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
